Pdt Victor Liu

Ringkasan khotbah 01 September 2024

A Permissive Father: Learning from King David

@ A king with loving God but suddenly he has rebellious children.

4  Cases of David’s Child

#  Amnon raped Tamar

2 Samuel 13:1 NET
[1]  Now David’s son Absalom had a beautiful sister named Tamar. In the course of time David’s son Amnon fell madly in love with her.
2 Samuel 13:14 NET
[14]  But he refused to listen to her. He overpowered her and humiliated her by raping her.

# Absalom killed Amnon
2 Samuel 13:28 NET
[28]  Absalom instructed his servants, “Look! When Amnon is drunk and I say to you, ‘Strike Amnon down,’ kill him then and there. Don’t fear! Is it not I who have given you these instructions? Be strong and courageous!”
2 Samuel 13:29 NET
[29]  So Absalom’s servants did to Amnon exactly what Absalom had instructed. Then all the king’s sons got up; each one rode away on his mule and fled.

# Absalom cout d’etat David, his Father

2 Samuel 15:11-12, 30 NET
[11]  Now two hundred men had gone with Absalom from Jerusalem. Since they were invited, they went naively and were unaware of what Absalom was planning.  [12]  While he was offering sacrifices, Absalom sent for Ahithophel the Gilonite, David’s adviser, to come from his city, Giloh. The conspiracy was gaining momentum, and the people were starting to side with Absalom. 
[30]  As David was going up the Mount of Olives, he was weeping as he went; his head was covered and his feet were bare. All the people who were with him also had their heads covered and were weeping as they went up.

# Adonijah claimed to be a king

1 Kings 1:5, 25 NET
[5]  Now Adonijah, son of David and Haggith, was promoting himself, boasting, “I will be king!” He managed to acquire chariots and horsemen, as well as fifty men to serve as his royal guard.  
[25]  For today he has gone down and sacrificed many cattle, steers, and sheep and has invited all the king’s sons, the army commanders, and Abiathar the priest. At this moment they are having a feast in his presence, and they have declared, ‘Long live King Adonijah!’

@ David’s style on Parenting 

1 Kings 1:6 ESV
[6] His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, “Why have you done thus and so?” He was also a very handsome man, and he was born next after Absalom.

Disiplin always makes our children displeasing. Permissive parenting tends confusing between disiplin & love.

Quote from Dr. David Howard
Professor of Old Testament @ Betlehem College & Seminary
‘ David was a poor father to his sons. He did not discipline his own children when it was needed, and this loose attitude toward discipline was a contributing factor to his sons’ sins, as well.
David was not a good father. He did not step up and take the responsibility that was his: to provide the proper limits to his sons’ behavior.

Thus, David style in parenting is style of permissive— tidak atau kurang menghidupkan disiplin atau aturan yang di perlukan bagi anak-anak. 

@ 4 Types  in  Parenting Styles. Riset membuktikan bahwa ada 4 styles in parenting. Riset dibuat oleh Diana Baumrind sekitar tahun 1960 an. Baumrind mendapatkan 3 styles parenting. Lalu Maccoby & Martin menambahkan style ke 4 dalam parenting.

*remember that your children can read your style in parenting.

1.  Authoritarian: domineering, otoriter or dictatorial, enforce punishments—- besar disiplin/ Harapan tetapi sedikit kasih/dukungan.

2. Permissive — kebailikan dari yang pertama. Sedikit disiplin/harapan tetapi besar Kasih/dukungan— Lenient, few demands, focus on relationship but not responsibility.

Permissive parents prioritise being their children friend rather than being a parent. Permissive parents are responsive to their children but not demanding. Focus on relationship but weak on responsibility of their children. Kids may struggle to set limits for themselves and contribute to poor self-regulation.

Permisif father or parents Membiarkan anaknya ambil keputusan sendiri tetapi kadangkala anak tidak siap untuk ambil keputusan karena dibesarkan dalam suasana aturan atau prinsip yang tidak dihidupkan oleh permisif parents bagi anaknya.

3. Authoritative — atau biasa disebut balance parenting: besar Kasih/ dukungan & Besar Disiplin/ Harapan. Enforce rules or discipline and provide warmth & support. Menurut riset yang dibuat, ini adalah parenting style yang terbaik. Ada waktu membangun relasi, ada waktu nya memberikan disiplin atau aturan yang baik untuk anak. Ada waktu bermain, waktu bersama anak sehingga anak tidak “terkejut” dengan disiplin atau aturan dari ortunya.

4. Uninvolved: atau biasa disebut neglectful , sedikit kasih/ dukungan dan sedikit disiplin, few expectations & provide little guidance and support; biasanya fokus pada penampilan luar dan hanya memenuhi kebutuhan makan, minum, tempat tinggal, akomodasi, uang sekolah dan pakaian.
No time to play with children, no time to talk, to build relationship with his/her children.

@ Styles in Parenting have influence on children

Riset sudah menyatakan bahwa ada pengaruh pola asuh sebagai orang tua dengan pertumbuhan anak, bahkan mempengaruhi ketika anak bertumbuh dewasa.

Researchers have posited that  are links between parenting styles and the effects these styles have on children. And some suggest these effects carry over into adult behavior.

Effects of permissive parenting

Riset sudah dibuat bahwa permissive parenting mengakibatkan rank low in happiness & self regulation. These children are more highly to engage in high risk behaviour and tend to perform poorly in school.

Dalam kasus Daud sebagai permisif father, ketiga anaknya, Ammon, Absalom & Adonia melakukan suatu tindakan yang engage in high risk behaviour.

Dari 4 styles Parenting, authoritative parenting lebih disarankan para ahli karena dari riset terbukti efektif. Uninvolved or neglectful parenting, authoritarian parenting & permissive parenting harus berubah ke Authoritative Parenting.

# Learning from King David as A Permissive Father. Tidak ada orang tua yang sempurna. Dalam PL, Perjanjian Lama, dan masa kini, Orang2 yang dipakai Tuhan ada kekurangan sebagai orang tua. Saya juga tidak sempurna sebagai orang tua. Yang penting kita mau belajar terus sebagai orang tua dari kesalahan. Kasih karunia-Nya yang selalu tersedia untuk menolong kita menjadi orang tua yang berusaha untuk membesarkan anak kita agar cinta atau takut pada Tuhan & hidupnya berpartisipasi pada Firman-Nya.

# We must give discipline to our children because we love our children. We should have balance between Love & Discipline—- Balance Parenting or Authoritative Parenting.

Learning from our Lord. He gives discipline to us because He love us.

Hebrews 12:5-6 NET
[5]  And have you forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as sons? “My son, do not scorn the Lord’s discipline  or give up when he corrects  you. [6]  “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves and chastises every son he accepts.”

# Parenting is not just something that fathers leave to their wives to do.

Ephesians 6:4 NET
[4]  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

*The key for success parenting is teaching our children to LOVE our Lord & to grow in His Words so that our children lifestyle based on His Words. 

# We can change our tendency as a Permissive Father

*before we change our children, firstly we must change our style of parenting.

Beberapa tips yang bisa kita lakukan sehingga kita bisa berubah dari permisif father/parenting ke authoritative parenting ( balance parenting: Love & Discipline)

# Realise & admit you are permissive father or permissive parenting style

# Listen & knowing your children well

# Establish rules — why & what the rules are

# be consistent— enforce rules consistently, but be sure provide consequences that are fair & proportionate & educational

# Developing authoritative parenting style takes time— so must be patient but firm.